Are you battling loneliness?
Have you recently felt the crushing blow of being single after being in a long-term and loving relationship?
Maybe the isolation has taken its toll on you.
Or maybe the year that shall remain nameless just knocked the wind out of your sails.
No matter the reason, it’s okay — so many people battle loneliness every day.
I used to be one of those people who loved being alone.
I loved my single life, and I loved not answering to anyone.
But it took me a lot of work to get to that place.
And it didn’t last. All it took was a bad break-up, and I was back at square one. I couldn’t deal with being alone once again.
Because being alone can be scary and uncomfortable…and depressing if you let it.
But it can also be incredibly liberating…
Just Because You’re Alone…
I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. I had just come to terms with losing someone I thought I would be with forever; I had just moved away from my close family and friends to a strange neighborhood in an unfamiliar city; I had just lost my best friend.
I felt entirely alone. I felt entirely lonely.
It seemed like I couldn’t get through ten minutes of my day without getting hit with spells of loneliness, self-pity, fear, self-doubt, you-name-it. It was that pit at the bottom of my stomach that wouldn’t go away; whether eating, sleeping, working out — it didn’t matter. Losing someone you love has a funny way of putting you in a tailspin.
After enough time had passed (we all need a little time when going through a difficult loss), I decided it was time to work on myself.
And I knew where to start because I had pulled myself out of this particular tailspin before — years earlier. So I knew I could do it again.
And you can, too.
Here’s a list of some things I did to learn to be happy alone once again.
1. Shift Your Mindset, Shift Your Self-Image
Being alone means different things to different people, but it’s important to remember that just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.
Maxwell Maltz (author of the incredible Psycho-Cybernetics) stated in his book that so many people continue to fail because they “self-identify” with their mistakes and failures. Here’s an excerpt:
“The trouble with these students was not that they were dumb, or lacking in basic aptitudes. The trouble was an inadequate self-image (“I don’t have a mathematical mind”; “I’m just naturally a poor speller”). They “identified” with their mistakes and failures. Instead of saying “I failed that test” (factual and descriptive) they concluded “I am a failure.” Instead of saying “I flunked that subject,” they said, “I am a flunk-out.”
I realized that for months I was self-identifying as lonely, when actually, the fact was, I was merely single. I was merely alone. (And as you’ll read below, you’re never alone once you know yourself.)
Maxwell Maltz’s point was that in self-identifying as a failure (or, in this case, as lonely), you become that person (there are some great examples in the book above).
No matter the circumstances, you act lonely, self-identify with it, and weirdly, that behavior manifests more loneliness. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead, you must dissociate what happened from who you are — dissociate being alone from being lonely.
You may have failed at something, but that doesn’t make you a failure; it simply means you failed.
You may have gone through a break-up, but that doesn’t make you lonely; it simply means you’re single.
Things happen, but those things don’t define who you are.
My break-up was one of the most challenging times of my life; you don’t have anyone to share your life with anymore. You don’t have a partner who will wake up next to you every morning and cuddle with you at night. You don’t have someone with whom you can share your deepest secrets and most embarrassing stories.
It’s all gone in a flash.
But being alone doesn’t mean that your life is empty. It just means that it’s filled with different things.
And it’s your job to fill it.
2. To Be Happy, Let it Go
We’ve all done things we regret or aren’t proud of in the past.
And we’ve also had things happen to us that we wish we could go back and avoid.
But we can’t change the past; we have today to live and tomorrow to look forward to.
Don’t ruin today and tomorrow because you’re so busy focused on your mistakes, regrets, and memories to enjoy your walk in the park, your happy hour with friends, or your opportunity to meet new and amazing people out there (they’re everywhere.)
You’re throwing your memories of today and tomorrow away for things you can’t get back.
Don’t let your past define you.
3. Get to Know…You
“If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone.”
~Maxwell Maltz
Co-dependence is a real thing, and no matter how much you work on yourself, it seems to bounce back whenever you get out of a long-term relationship.
And you have to do the work on yourself all over again.
But it’s still worth it.
Because when I’m my best self, I learn how to be self-confident, happy, and myself all over again — while being “alone.”
One of the wisest things I’ve heard — To be truly happy with someone else, you first have to be happy with yourself.
So do some work on yourself. What things can you do now that you have the time to yourself?
- Read those books you’ve wanted to read.
- Catch up on some shows.
- Start that side-hustle you’ve always wanted to.
- Take that three-month vacation to Europe.
Spend some quality time with yourself to get to know and understand yourself again.
You may find out that you’ve changed since the last time you got to know yourself, and you didn’t even know it.
I certainly did.
4. Rebuild Your Foundation with Familiar Pieces
Events or circumstances that leave you feeling like this can crumble your foundation.
And when they do, it’s sometimes hard to turn to friends and family.
When I was in the middle of it, I was devastated, but I also felt stupid and shameful.
And so I walked my path alone for a long time.
But your true friends and family will be there through thick and thin, and just because you feel that way certainly doesn’t mean they view you that way.
They’ve probably been through something similar and know what you’re going through more than you think.
So don’t wait as I did; instead, reach out to those closest to you to help build your foundation up again.
5. Take in Your Surroundings
Whether sitting by the ocean, hiking a mountain, or just hitting a trail, the outdoors always put me in a better place.
I don’t know if it’s the fresh air, the sunshine, the endorphins from putting in a little work, or the scenery — probably all the above.
The idea here is to get outside and do something — it doesn’t much matter what — because just being outside can improve your mood.
When I was at my worst, I at least took the time for a 20–30-minute walk outside every day. More if I had the chance.
Be creative if you must, but find a way to get outside.
6. How to Be Happy Alone — With Other People
Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you should spend all of your time that way.
We’re social creatures, and that includes you.
You know your friends have been trying to drag you out for weeks now. So let them.
Because being social increases happiness.
So go meet up with your friends for happy hour, check out a local event, or even go to a networking event where you can meet people. You never know how much fun you can have and who you might meet along the way.
When I was going through hard times some of the best things I did involved attending events alone — networking events, local entertainment, and even trivia night at the local pub. I almost always had a great time.
7. Take Some of The Best Medicine
Laughter is good for the soul. It improves your mood, relieves stress, improves your immune system, and can even relieve pain.
Find a way to laugh every day. Here are a few thoughts:
- Go to a comedy club.
- Check out your favorite YouTube channel.
- Watch an episode of Scrubs or another favorite comedy.
- Call a friend that makes you laugh.
I even developed a “laughter practice” when I was really struggling — ten minutes a day, do something that makes you belly-laugh. It always feels so good, doesn’t it?
8. Catch Up on Old Activities
Now is a perfect time to jump back into some old hobbies that you ditched when you didn’t have the time.
Fix up that car in your garage.
Start knitting again.
Break out the comic book collection you hid for so long.
Or take your newly found time to discover some new hobbies.
The great thing about hobbies is that not only do you enjoy them, but they can also transform into passions and potentially even purpose.
9. Remember that Long Forgotten Dream?
When you’re single is the best time to follow your dreams and work on a big goal you may have.
Relationships are a lot of work and take a lot of time, and it’s no secret that they can change, delay, or halt some of your dreams and aspirations. So what were your dreams before you were in a committed relationship? What were some goals that you tabled?
Can you pursue them now?
- Start that business you’ve always wanted.
- Become a digital nomad.
- Go back to school.
- Work on a hobby you’re passionate about and turn it into a side-hustle.
Whatever you want. Now’s the time to work on the life you’ve always wanted. Everything else will fall into place.
Sometimes Life Takes Something You Want…
I want to leave you with this quote that has helped me through a ton. I heard it a long time ago on a Tim Ferriss podcast, and I carry it with me wherever I go:
“Sometimes life takes something you want in order to give you something you need.”
You may not see it yet, but you will eventually…
How many times has something happened to you that hurt, but when you look back on five years later, you realize it was for the best?
It’s Time to Live Your Life — Your Way
Loneliness is one of the hardest things you have to fight through.
But don’t let it define you.
Instead of letting loneliness overtake you and sitting in a pit of despair and sorrow, take this time to learn how to be happy alone.
Remember those dreams you wanted to pursue? The hobbies you loved but lost somewhere along the way? That crazy sabbatical you always wanted to take but never got the chance?
Now’s the time, my friend.
Get to know yourself once again.
And while you do, go do something crazy. Go do something fun.
Go do something extraordinary.
